The other day, I twisted my ankle.
I'd already twisted it a few weeks back and decided to try and go for a run (1) on it to see if it was better. It wasn’t.
So I limped home looking for some sympathy.
My partner, as is his way, made some useful suggestions about how I should rest it properly and then try some gentle stretches before going for another run. Oh, and maybe wear an ankle support.
Which, to be honest, really annoyed me.
He was trying to help, but all I really wanted him to do was say “oh, poor you, that looks sore…” and let me feel sorry for myself.
Similarly, I remember leading a team and direct reports coming to me complaining about something that had annoyed them. I would remember my leadership training and try to start a coaching conversation: “What are your options here?” And then I would see the frustration on their faces. They wanted to vent and I wasn’t letting them.
Or that time I met someone at a friend's birthday, asked them what they did and they launched into a sales pitch.
In all of these cases, the conversation didn’t ‘work’ because one of us wasn't getting what we wanted.
Effective communication means recognising what type of conversation we are having, and then making sure all the participants understand and react accordingly.
In his recent book Supercommunicators, Charles Dunhigg summarised this in a really easy way to understand. What we need to ask ourselves when trying to help another person is:
Do they want to be held, helped or heard? (2)
A conversation where someone wants to be (metaphorically) held is one in which they want to talk about how they feel and - importantly - they want to be listened to. What they are looking for is a safe space to talk about their emotions.
A conversation where someone wants to be helped is one in which they are looking to make plans or choices, to think about their options and decide a course of action. They’re looking for someone to help them do this - it could be through advice or through coaching.
A conversation where someone wants to be heard is one where someone is looking to share something about themselves to form a connection. These conversations are usually social, we want to chat about the film we watched at the weekend or, on a deeper level, about the dreams we have for the future. These conversations need to be two-way, each participant needs to respond to the other and to share their own thoughts. It’s how friendships are formed.
If a communication isn’t working, this is a really useful place to start.
What does the person sitting across from you want out of the conversation?
If you’re not sure, you can ask.
(1) More of a slow jog, really.
(2) Dunhigg uses “hugged” rather than “held”, but I think the latter makes more sense in terms of the fact that you are ‘holding a space’ rather than giving physical comfort.
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